We find ourselves at the Pearly Gates and Jesus and Saint Peter are about to call the play by play of yesterday’s dead.
They are sitting in the announcers’ booth.
They have microphones, etc. and they will be calling the play by play together.
Saint Peter says:
“Well death fans we have a real treat for you today! Jesus Christ Almighty, yes, your lord and savior, whether you believe it or not, is joining me in the booth today. He is going to help me with the play-by-play of today's March to the Pearly Gates.”
Jesus says:
“Well thanks so much Pete for having me in the booth today! It's been far too long! Looking out at the field of hopefuls, it seems a lot of people met their maker yesterday.
Wait, I am getting ahead of myself. No one meets their maker until you approve! Didn’t mean to step on your toes there Pete! Hopefully these applicants-to-heaven may be meeting their maker very soon.
I usually call him father-God and not maker, but he and I are closer than most!
This must be an incredible amount of pressure on you Pete.
How do you handle it?”
Saint Peter: “Well it’s just like any other job really. The rules for getting into heaven are pretty clear and haven’t changed much since your crucifixion.
It’s pretty easy to know if someone should go to heaven or hell at this point. I have great confidence in my decision making.
I guess being able to see the truth in people’s hearts and souls gives me a slight advantage!
Let’s move on to the reason we are here!”
Saint Peter always starts each day of judgments with housekeeping.
The first step of that is judging non-believers. Those would be the atheists, believers in the wrong religion and those who never-heard-of-jesus. That last group includes the mentally challenged and those aborted.
Saint Peter’s voice bellows out of the loudspeakers.
“Okay, will the following people step right up! That means you shameless and outright atheists, and anyone who believed they were devout people of faith in a religion other than one based on the life and teachings of Jesus Christ. You all have made the mistake of not believing that the man seated to my right was your true lord and savior and that he died for your sins.”
Tens of thousands step forward.
Jesus yells into the microphone:
“Come on people! I made it very clear in John 14:6! Looks like plain English to me! And yes, I use the King James version of the bible, so sue me.
That passage reads:
“‘I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.’”
Jesus stood up and took off his tunic above the waist.
Video of him was now projected on the thousands of screens placed along the line into heaven.
“Ok, last chance, take a look at the scars from wounds which I gladly accepted along with being crucified so the lot of you could have everlasting life.”
Pointing to his head Jesus continued:
“Behold, the scars from the crown of thorns placed upon my head. For those who think I overreacted to the crown of thorns thing, there are scars on my skull. That’s how deep those babies went.
Glad I could dispel those nasty rumors that claim I was a crybaby once and for all.”
Pointing to his side he said. “Here is where the Roman soldier Longinus pierced me with his sword whilst I hung on the cross.
And you want to know a funny story about that? I saw him just the other day walking around heaven! You would think he went straight to hell upon his death, but you see, he became a believer in me before he died, so he strolled right through the Pearly Gates upon death.
So I walked up to him and said, I forgive you.”
Longinus, who had been ducking Jesus for over two thousand years, asked.
“Dear Lord Jesus, how could you ever forgive what I have done to you?”
Jesus said, with a smug laugh:
“Longinus, forgiveness, non-judgment and turning the other cheek, that’s what I do my son. Don’t you know that by now?
And rules are rules! Even though you stabbed me while I hung on the cross, you accepted me as your saviour before you died.
So glad to see you made it in!”
Jesus finished his scar display by exposing the scars on his back. He didn't need to comment on those. They spoke for themselves.
Jesus put his tunic back on and said into the microphone:
“Repeat after me everyone.”
Jesus says the following lines one at a time and waits for them to repeat each.
“Jesus, you are the way and the truth and the life.”
Waits for the crowd
“No man cometh to the Father except through You.”
Jesus says: “To all those who spoke, very good! Welcome!”
And with that thousands of newly minted believers are lifted from the line and brought through the Pearly Gates.
There are a few thousand atheists, muslims, jews and believers of non-mainstream religions and those who never-heard-of-jesus still there though.
They still are not convinced and some don’t have the mental capacity to understand.
Jesus screams: “ME! (his way of saying Jesus Christ) How can you be so thick headed?!
Didn’t you just see my scar demonstration?!
ME! You are standing at the Pearly Gates!”
Jesus pushes the button marked Eternal Damnation on the console in the announcers’ booth.
A downward moving escalator appears that goes directly to hell.
Don’t pass Go, do not collect $200.00.
Hell’s fire is visible, the gnashing of teeth and cries of billions of tortured souls can be heard along with the putrid smell of sulfur.
It takes a while, but finally the last of this day’s “damned-to-hell-for-eternity” are with Satan where they belong.
They all say hello to a greeter named Clara at the bottom of the escalator.
The escalator-to-hell disappears.
Still waiting in front of the announcers’ booth are the mentally challenged and the aborted children.
With a wave of Jesus’ hand the mentally challenged float up and are brought through the Pearly Gates.
That just leaves the aborted children. They are always a special case as they were the most innocent and vulnerable. They are special cases as none of them died of natural causes. Aborted children never do. They die of very unnatural causes at the hands of a doctor.
Many people believe that they look the best they ever looked throughout their life at their final judgment.
And they are right!
For example, waiting patiently in line is George Smith, dead after 99 fruitful years. He looks like his 1943 self where he served in the Air Force in WWII (he would say it dubel-ya dubel-ya two).
He is in his full pressed uniform, and is 22 years old. He can’t wait to see his Clara, the virgin-bride wife he lost 20 years ago. Unfortunately, he will soon learn she took the down escalator that many years ago and he will never see her again.
At conception, everyone gets a soul from God. It always saddened Jesus that human beings had gotten so arrogant that they felt they had the authority to destroy something that God had blessed with a unique soul.
But there they were, 2,547 children that were aborted yesterday. Just like the adult dead, they were shown in the best form they had while alive.
That meant they looked the same as the moment just before they were killed.
They were very tiny and gelatinous and of course couldn’t stand on their own, so they were simply piled in a bin on a wheeled-cart with a rope in the front.
Jesus demanded a moment of silence from the crowd.
Jesus turned to Saint Peter and said “I know it’s normally your job, but may I do it today?”
Jesus came out of the booth and grabbed the rope attached to the cart, and put it over his right shoulder, the same way he carried his cross to Calvary.
He pulled the aborted children’s cart through the Pearly Gates himself.
He returned to the booth alongside Saint Peter.
Saint Peter said:
“Housekeeping is all done! Now to those who will receive their spiritual reward!
First up is George Smith. George fought in dubel-ya dubel-ya two and served in the Air Force. He was married his entire adult life to Clara.
Welcome to heaven George!”
George says, “I can’t wait to throw my arms around my Clara!”
With that, he runs towards the Pearly Gates.
Jesus says:
“Oh uh um, hold on George, about Clara…….”
