Originally written: September 20, 1999 1:25am
She sat at her desk in her high backed leather chair. She didn’t realize that she was crying again, or that the phone had been ringing for over a minute. She was far, far away. She had traveled back over twenty years in her mind and it was there that her heart and mind were lingering.
It had done this quite often lately and although she didn’t realize it, this was usually accompanied by many, many tears…..
She daydreamed…..
She loved how the air closest to the woods that encircled her childhood home was cooler than the air in the middle of the yard. She was swinging on the swing set her dad helped her build 😉.
He was behind her, pushing her gently, and talking about his day. She loved him so much. She remembered going to the lumber yard and buying the supplies on a special Saturday morning. They were going to build it together. She remembered him saying “I’m going to be your assistant today!” and that is exactly what he did. He had patiently handed her things, tools, bolts, some water, and they transformed this pile of wood and metal into her own playground.
Since mom had died, they were the only family that they knew. They did everything together.
She would always listen for his car door and no matter where she was, she would race to him and jump into his arms with her eyes closed, her nose buried in his neck, her heart racing with excitement and familiarity from the way his skin smelled. He would carry her up the porch stairs, turn and wave goodbye to the babysitter who had gotten her off the bus and who would already be pedaling down their long, tree-lined driveway. They would go into the house and he would put his keys and wallet on the table by the door. She loved their nights together.
They would eat dinner and he would sit there silently as she told him the story of her day. He would be almost done eating before she had even touched her food. She loved him.
She daydreamed….
Her father was tucking her in and there was thunder and lightning outside. He knew that she was frightened and he held her hand. She looked into his eyes and all fear and panic vanished. He stroked her hair with the back of his fingers and told her that he would not get up until she was fast asleep. She knew that he wouldn’t. She knew that he would sit there all night if she needed him to. He loved her so much. The love that he had for her was pure.
She daydreamed….
It was ten years ago. She had just completed her first week at Columbia University. There was a note on her door. She stood and looked at it. Her backpack dropped to the floor and she couldn’t breathe. The note had said to call her father’s business partner. That was all that she needed to know that something was wrong, very wrong. She clumsily fit her key into the lock, opened the door and vaulted her bed to get the phone. She dialed the phone and his partner answered. He cleared his throat and told her that her father had died and that she should come home right away.
She daydreamed….
She relived the past ten years, and how she had unknowingly been searching for the same pure love. She laughed at how often she had convinced herself that she once again found purity in a man and how many times this need had let her be used and disappointed. Her body shuddered when she thought of all she had given to so many, and how little she had received. She cried.
She cried because the one thing that she needed to be happy, had been buried along with her father’s body ten years ago.
She cried because loneliness, her constant companion, would not go away.
She cried because she had gotten to the saddest place a person can get to, hopelessness.
She cried because so many had let her down.
She cried because the burden of her life and the problems of those around her were crushing her.
Her entire being sobbed as she sat in her high-backed leather chair because it had to and because there was no other way to express what she was feeling.
She cried because she needed the one basic thing every person needs to feel whole,
to be loved, and she hadn’t felt that way in a long, long time.
