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Joshua and his youngest daughter, Rita, had spent the entire afternoon on the beach.
And now at 5:05 PM, It was finally starting to cool off a little, which he liked very much.
He had been sweating since he got here at 1 PM. After 4 PM, the beach had emptied, and now they had it entirely to themselves. They had just spent those three hours building a huge sandcastle at the water line. She was uncharacteristically emphatic that he assist her in its building. Rita was putting the finishing touches on it right now.
For the first time today, he sat on the sand-level beach chair he had just bought yesterday.
An almost freezing bottled water and the milder, late afternoon breeze, were starting to cool him down. He slowly inhaled and slowly exhaled many times. He was feeling incredibly peaceful at that moment and his eyes involuntarily closed. It’d been a perfect day between a father and a daughter. A perfectly normal day.
He suddenly heard a piercing scream from Rita.
"DADDDDDYYYYYYYY!!!!!!"
It couldn't have been more than 10 seconds since he saw his daughter finishing their sand castle. When his eyes opened, he could see his daughter's head bobbing on the water and her arms waving frantically. She was being pulled out to sea.
Along with the pure terror he was feeling, he also felt confusion.
For, he did not hear an alarm whistle blaring, or see the young and muscled lifeguard who was seated to his left, racing into the ocean with life saving devices.
He lived a life of pure denial, and one main lie he told himself was that he was always extremely careful about the safety of his children.
He had chosen a spot less than 10 yards from a lifeguard chair, making sure that she was in full view of the lifeguards.
He kept Rita just far enough away from the lifeguard, so she would not suspect that he wanted her to remain within their field of vision. He would’ve wanted her to sit directly in front of the lifeguard, but that would’ve been too obvious to her, and she might have sensed his all-encompassing fear, and his admission that he could not protect her.
"DADDDDDYYYYYYYY!!!!!!"
He quickly turned his head to the left, only to see an empty lifeguard chair and endless beach beyond that. He looked to his right and saw the same.
He thought, “There is no way that it is past 5 PM.” But he was mistaken.
These quick glances and thought about what time it was, only took a second, and all the while his daughter was screaming with the intensity of someone who knows that death is imminent.
As he weighed close to 475 pounds, there was no way that Joshua could easily spring up and run down to save his daughter.
People of large size have to devise methods of doing physical things that most of us deem easy and normal. A normal-sized person says, “Spring up to your feet from a sand-level beach chair to save your daughter’s life? NO SWEAT!”
So, there he sat on a sand-level beach chair built for the normal-sized. He needed to get up and run down into the waves to save his daughter.
Most of us would have brought our knees up towards our chest, gotten our feet under us and pushed off from the arm rests. We would be standing in less than 2 seconds running towards the water.
Joshua was unable to do this. His immense belly and thighs would not allow him to bring his knees close to his chest. He was unable to bend his knees more than 5 degrees.
For some reason, he thought back to when he bought this sand-level beach chair yesterday. Of course he knew that his size would prevent him from being able to use such a chair, but, as is human nature, his denial of his true physical condition and overwhelming desire to feel normal, combined to compel him to buy a sand-level beach chair and put it in his trunk.
Somewhere in his mind and heart, he knew that he should purchase a simple, normal height, folding chair, the type that you see in backyards and patios around the country. But when his subconscious mind and manly pride envisioned how odd a normal height folding chair would look surrounded by sand-level beach chairs, the deepest part of his emotional system made the buying decision for him.
He also did not want to embarrass his daughter by using a normal height chair.
His size was enough to draw attention all of the time, so regardless of the type of chair that he bought, he would be a spectacle on the beach anyway. His immense size made him a spectacle everywhere he went.
His denial pushed these realities and painful thoughts out of his conscious mind constantly. He fooled himself into believing that he was normal, that he could buy a normal-sized, sand-level beach chair, and that that chair’s normalcy would make him go unnoticed at the beach.
He felt so happy to buy something meant for normal-sized people.
He felt pride that the cashier was seeing him buy something for a normal-sized person. And so, he believed that the cashier saw him, at that moment, as normal-sized.
So many things that he did during his daily life emasculated him. Of course any negatives he endured were all self-inflicted as maintaining obesity is a choice.
In a small way, buying this chair meant for normal-sized people made him feel like a fully functioning man.
His life was filled with devices that were meant for the obese. Clothing bought at the Big and Tall store, extended seat belt adapters, special suspension on his car to lower the car’s height so he could get in, and special devices to be used in the bathroom. The list was endless.
He had known that the lifeguards left at 5 PM, but he simply had lost track of the time, and did not realize it was 5:05 PM.
He’d been so careful, as he always was with his daughters, and had sat close to the lifeguard chair. The lifeguards were the special device that he would need to possibly save his daughter’s life, and he knew that. He had planned for Rita’s safety as a good father should have.
But the lifeguards were gone now.
"DADDDDDYYYYYYYY!!!!!!"
As he could not bring his knees up to his chest, and push off of the armrest to stand up, he would have to do something else.
He brought his feet to his sides as far back as he could. He then spread his legs as far as he could. He put his palms firmly on the armrests of his chair, and pushed and leaned forward as hard as he could. He tumbled onto the sand, face first, sand filling his nose and mouth.
"DADDDDDYYYYYYYY!!!!!!"
He was wheezing uncontrollably. Sweat was pouring from his forehead into his eyes. He wondered if he should take off his shirt. He knew that the amount of fabric it had taken to make such a large shirt would probably weigh him down in the water, but he decided that he did not have time to take it off.
His daughter screams were much more distant now,
"DAoogDDDaaaaahhhDDYYYYoogYYYY!!!!!!"
and they sounded almost like she was gargling,
"DAoogDDDaaaaahhhDDYYYYoogYYYY!!!!!!"
"DAoogDDDaaaaahhhDDYYYYoogYYYY!!!!!!"
as the seawater was entering her lungs.
When he finally got to his feet, her head was just a pinpoint in the distance.
He ran to the water and attempted to dive in. He quickly sank, his belly coming to rest on the wet sandy bottom. He attempted to swim towards the sound of her voice. The waves beat him back. His arms and legs were flailing.
For three minutes he made the most valiant effort to save his daughter’s life. He did not know it, but he never made it beyond 10 feet from shore, or deeper than 3 feet of water.
For years he knew that his size could prevent him from taking proper care of his children and that it could lead to his early death.
At exactly 4 minutes and six seconds from the moment he heard his daughter’s first scream, Joshua’s heart exploded in his chest.
Just before he died, he felt the deepest guilt and shame a parent could ever feel; the guilt and shame that comes from knowing his neglect had allowed his child to die. One large wave brought his lifeless body back to the beach.
A teen-aged girl on a watercraft saw Rita flailing in the water. She raced to her, and pulled her on board. Rita looked back towards the beach. She used the lifeguard chair as her main point of reference and looked to its right only to see an empty sand-level beach chair. She then saw her father’s motionless hulking mass at the water line, just in front of the sandcastle they had built.
Just minutes before, while Rita was working on that sandcastle, she had turned to see one of her shovels being taken out into the surf. She had simply gone to retrieve it, and, she would later learn, her body had been caught in a rip current.
She had seen the lifeguards leave at 5 PM. She had been so careful all day to stay within view of the raised lifeguard chair.
Of course, Rita knew that her father’s size would prevent him from being able to save her if she had gotten in trouble in the water.
She had not slept the night before, consumed with anxiety over the dangers of the ocean. She could not bring herself to express this to her father, or suggest going to a park instead, for wanting to protect his delicate feelings about his size. Her only sense of consolation was knowing lifeguards would be close by. As always, she would be extremely vigilant about her safety when she was alone with her father.
Her and her sisters had grown up knowing his physical limitations. They did all they could to never put themselves in a position where his limitations could lead to their harm. Most times they felt that he was their child.
She was shocked to see the tiny sand-level beach chair he had brought to use that afternoon. She believed that once he sat in it, he would never be able to get out of it. This increased her level of dad-related anxiety, and so she devised a plan where they would spend a lot of time down at the waterline building a sandcastle. She would do all that she could to keep him out of that chair. She knew that her tiny frame would never be able to assist him getting out of it, in case he was unable, and she would have to contact the EMS to assist her.
She had chosen a spot less than 10 yards from a lifeguard chair, making sure that she was in full view of the lifeguards.
She stayed far enough away from the lifeguard, so her dad would not suspect that she wanted to remain within their field of vision.
She wanted to sit directly in front of them, but that would’ve been too obvious to her father, and that would’ve hurt his feelings. As she and her sisters did constantly, she made sure that he did not sense her intense fear and vulnerability due to his severe physical limitations. As long as she could remember, she had woken up, and gone to bed, with this intense and all-encompassing fear.
But the happiness and comfort brought on by the long and perfect afternoon with her father caused her to drop her usually steadfast and vigilant self-protective guard.
This caused a momentary denial of his inadequacy and overwhelming desire to feel that she had a normal and fully functioning father who could, and would, always protect her.
These two things combined to make her thoughtlessly and fearlessly enter the water to retrieve her shovel, with no lifeguards present, and her father seated in the sand-level beach chair, as any normal child with a normal-sized father would have during a day at the beach.
For the rest of her life, she felt the deepest guilt and shame a child could ever feel; the guilt and shame that comes from knowing that her neglect had caused her father to die.
