Benjamin was very worried. He sat at his mother's bedroom window and thought as hard as any nine-year-old had ever thought.
Although he loved her, he knew that his mother was very bad. Yesterday morning he couldn't get her to wake up and, as he had been doing every few minutes since that time, he glanced at the bed to see if his mother had moved. She still had not.
Her skin had turned an odd color of purple that he was sure he would never forget.
Benjamin's sister Emily was crying again. Benjamin had been taking care of her since yesterday morning, diapering and all. She was only one, but Benjamin was a good little soldier. His mother had always told him that.
Benjamin did not know what to do. Just a few weeks earlier, Ms. Page from across the hall had died suddenly. All Benjamin knew was that she had died with a needle in her arm. It was then that the van had come.
It was a dark van.
Michael and Rachel, Ms. Page's two children were taken away in that van and Benjamin never saw them again. He had to protect his sister. He didn't want the van with the bad people to come and take Emily away.
Benjamin sat by the window and he cried. He cried because he was scared and he was scared because his Mommy was purple and stiff and her eyes did not close anymore.
He cried because if his daddy was here he might be able to make things better. Maybe his daddy could take a turn being the good little soldier. But Benjamin had never seen his daddy and he honestly believed that his mother hadn't needed a man to have him.
Mommy always said that men were the devil and women were better without them. Benjamin had questioned her one-day a month ago.
"Mommy, will I be a man when I grow up?"
"Of course you will, Benji."
"Are you sure Mommy?"
"Yes dear."
Benjamin had immediately run into the bathroom and locked the door. Tears were streaming down his face and he knelt next to the bathtub. He looked up at the mildew-stained bathroom ceiling and begged God to not let him be a man someday because he didn't want to be a devil. He didn't want to burn in the pits of hell the way Mommy said men do when they die. Benjamin pleaded with God but the only response that he received was the dripping faucet.
He knelt and his head dropped to his chest. At that moment, in his nine-year-old head, he felt the same abandonment that Christ felt while slowly dying on the cross at Calvary.
Benjamin was completely forsaken. He felt worthless from that moment, and unlike all the other children. He imagined that he was the only boy who would grow up to be a man, and therefore the only one who would be a devil.
Little devil Benjamin looked out the window of his mother's bedroom and cried. He felt that he was to blame. He believed that God wouldn't let his Mommy wake up because he was a bad boy. Emily was crying. She was crying because there was a devil in the house.
Benjamin went into the bathroom and locked the door. He knelt next to the bathtub and he looked up at the mildew-stained bathroom ceiling and begged God to give him his mother back. He begged God to not make him a devil. He wanted to be a good boy, a good little soldier.
In a flash it all became very clear to Benjamin. The house could not be made whole while he was in it. As Mommy had always said, all evil must be destroyed.
Benjamin walked to his sister's crib. She smiled at him the way that she always did when she saw him. She was too young to understand what was happening. He climbed into what was once his crib and lay down next to his sister. He held her hand and he looked up at the ceiling. He closed his eyes and prayed that he could become a baby again and start life all over.
He did this in much the same way that an elderly person close to death constantly reviews all of life's missed opportunities and prays for a second chance. He opened his eyes and there was no change.
He gave his sister one last warm bottle, his last act of human kindness, and hugged her. He told her that he loved her and he would make sure that the dark van would not come to take her away. He felt as much pride as his nine-year-old heart and mind could feel. She continued to smile at him all the while, and he left her room.
Benjamin walked to his mother's bed. He kissed her purple, swollen lips and told her that he loved her. He tried to close her eyelids but they were as hard as a rock. H
e went into the kitchen and got a piece of paper and a crayon. He wrote, "Mommy, I love you. I am going to make you wake up. I am a bad boy. Benji"
One hour later, the detective tried to shut the window, but it took both hands and a good pull to make it come down. He knew it would have been harder to open it. He stared at the window for a few moments, as he could not believe that a nine-year-old could have opened it.
A child who believed he was the devil could open it when he wanted to jump out of it.
As the detective leaned out the window, he could see Benjamin's mangled body in the courtyard eight floors below. Other detectives and the coroner surrounded it.
Emily was crying.
It was then that the van came.
It was a dark van.
