Author’s Note: My use of Husband and Wife in this piece is due to my lack of progressive thought. Anyone reading this who is more advanced than me socially, emotionally and psychologically, can substitute Partner 1 for Husband and Partner 2 for Wife as you read.
4am. Husband (Partner 1) is staring at the ceiling, laying next to his Wife (Partner 2) in their marital bed. They have been married ten years and have two children.
He nudges his wife awake and tells her.
“I’m quitting my job tomorrow.”
Wife “Why? You love it there and worked so hard to get the CFO position. Do you have another job lined up? Talk to me honey, please.”
Husband “If I stay there I will eventually cheat on you. Before bed, I believe I did already.”
Just like a 70s soap opera cliche:
Light on wife’s side of the bed turns on
She props up two pillows behind her
and sits up and turns to directly look at her husband
he looks directly back at her.
She is quiet for a moment as she knows this is one of the most important conversations of her life.
Being a practicing psychiatrist, she starts with “Tell me more about how you feel about this.”
No drama, no hysterics. Her training has taught her, the more information gathering (listening) you do, the quicker you can help your patient. She wants so much to not see her Partner as a patient sitting in front of her and she silently chastises herself for being so patronizing to this man she has built a wonderful life with.
She focuses on being his Partner. The word wife or husband doesn’t come into her mind. They are equals. Interchangeable.
Terms like husband and wife have so much negative history of socially constructed roles, she decided long ago to never use them. She kept her last name and one of their children had her last name, and the other his.
Of course, they are listed as Parent 1 and Parent 2 on the children’s birth certificates.
She describes them as marital gender role fluid.
She turns to face him and sits cross legged and grabs both of his hands in hers. She is not going to do any of the stereotypical selfish jilted wife behaviours. Her partner is suffering and she has vowed to support him through whatever life brings to them.
Husband is trying not to ramble, or blubber like an upset child, but we all know how hard that is when you have been holding a terrible secret from someone you love and you finally confess it out loud to them. His bottom lip is quivering slightly and he is trying to compose himself.
Husband “I love you and our family. I have been working alongside my assistant for over a year now. I have done nothing physical yet, but my thoughts and lustful feelings are tantamount to cheating. If you were having these feelings about another man, I would feel that some sort of infidelity has been committed. I had to tell you. I have done my best to be strong about it. I spend much more time with her than you and she shares in my successes and failures in real time, 24/7.
She knows more about my work, which is the main part of me being a husband, father, provider - a man, than you ever could. This is no complaint about your performance as my Partner. It is impossible for you to share in my daily life as much as her. I have such an appreciation for her and how she constantly helps me and cares about me, it is very hard to not have romantic feelings about her. It is hard, even taking the gender out of it, to not love her. How can I not? If I were working alongside a man at the same level, that “soldiers in battle” brotherly love would be just as strong.
All I think about when I leave work is that I can't wait to see her first thing in the morning again. It is almost like she is a necessary part of me.”
He turned his gaze back to the ceiling. He did not have the courage to look directly at her when he said:
“When we made love before bed, I was imagining you were her. That's why I demanded being on top for the first time in years.”
She did not move or flinch. Nor did she take her cradling hands away from his. They stayed that way for a few minutes.
She turned out the light and adjusted her pillows back to the sleeping position, and joined him staring at the ceiling. Her Partner was the one suffering here. He needed her at this moment of his life. She was fighting every primitive urge inside of her that wanted to slap his face one hundred times! But wasn’t she a higher order than a cavewoman? Of course she was.
Husband “Can I have your thoughts?”
Wife “First, and I am not speaking as a psychiatrist here, what you are going through is extremely normal. How can anyone expect for men and women to work so closely together and to not have romantic feelings? Look at you. Handsome, successful, great provider, loving husband. Honey, you are in the top 1% of men. 99% of women want to take my place and would do it without feeling any guilt. Since the 1960s, female nature has been able to run amok, and so we are back to caveman and cavewoman romantic dating strategies. All woman want the alpha male now. If they can’t get one, they eventually settle for a beta male provider before their eggs dry up, then divorce them 90% of the time. My psychiatric practice is full of these jilted, lost, effeminized non-men.
Even women who are 4s out of 10 believe they deserve a man like you, and think getting less is “settling.”
100 years ago 4s were happy to marry other 4s and to have 4 level children.
You share more of your daily life with her. Honestly, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense to me that you have fallen in love with her. The next time I see her I am going to thank her for her role in making you a great husband and dad.
All of this in your hands. We don’t have to make any decisions tonight. But, I believe you have just taken your first step towards healing you and our marriage.
She kissed his forehead and said "Get some sleep.”
When he woke up, as usual, she had already left for work. She volunteered at a non-profit clinic most early mornings before getting to her own practice in a better part of town. Most weeknights she would get in after 9pm.
She left him a note on the bathroom mirror “Coffee ready, talk later.”
He was so relieved. His Partner perfectly understood his entire situation. No reason to feel any guilt. Just need to move forward.
He got to work 15 minutes early to gather his thoughts before his assistant got into the office. Although he had tried to fight his urges, he had to admit defeat and make some drastic changes.
His assistant came into his office and said “Ready to start our day chief!”
She was so perfectly feminine as to be anti-masculine. A real girl. Head to toe, her scent, her walk, how she put her right hand on her right hip when she was trying to make a strong point and gestured with her left hand. She was a throwback, a classic, not of this era. Most days he could not detect any makeup on her face, and her nails were a modest length, and only covered in a clear gloss. She wore only flats. She dressed conservatively, but she was far and away the sexiest woman he had ever seen. Much more than the "proud of their cleavage" girls. He was sure she was tattoo-free, unlike his wife.
She was fit, feminine and ultra-cooperative.
He had grown obsessed with the smooth skin of her neck. Last night, while being romantic with his Partner, he was kissing his assistant’s soft smooth neck in his heart and mind along with the rest of her body.
Things were going great today though. Last night’s conversation with his Partner was a revelation. His confusion had disappeared.
He sternly said: “Sit down, I have to talk to you.”
The assistant looked concerned, almost sad, and sat down.
There suddenly came a loud crashing noise from the parking lot. Everyone in the office raced to a window.
Wife was yelling and wielding a baseball bat. She apparently had a beef with a BMW parked in a reserved space. It just so happened to be Husband’s (Partner 1’s) assistant’s BMW.
“...... you bitch, whore! You think you can break up my family???!!!”
Bat crashing down on the windshield over and over.
Middle finger on her right hand strongly projected towards the building.
“I know about sluts like you! Predators!! All of you!!!”
Rearview mirror, driver’s side, toast.
Middle finger on her right hand strongly projected towards the building.
“I passed two of his kids through my body!!!”
All lights in front of the car: parking, head, fog and turn signals, disintegrated.
“I saw you looking at him at the company BBQ! Should have introduced your face to my bat that day!!!!!”
She took something out of her pocket, what was it?
Someone screamed "It's a knife!"
And it only took her 30 seconds to slash all four tires. Unfortunately for the assistant they were not run-flats.
Onlookers would later say that she must have practiced the tire slashing part as she did it with the acumen of a Hibachi chef.
Middle finger on her right hand strongly projected towards the building.
She had a great rhythm going now.
“Reserved Spot! Really? For an assistant? What? How did my husband fall for this? It so easy for young pretty girls to manipulate older men by getting them aroused just enough!!!
Oh you are good honey, oh so very good!! But now you have been found out!!!!”
The onlookers could not see them, but they now knew the BMW’s rear lights were lying in shards on the parking lot.
“I did my Doctoral Thesis on the exact workplace whore and predator you are!” I'm a PHD! What are you?"
Sirens were heard in the distance. She wouldn’t get to demolish the passenger side rearview mirror as the sirens caused her to flee, but not before dropping her bat and aiming both extended middle fingers towards the building.
A great finale.
Husband turns to his assistant, who is of course standing tightly against his side at the window.
Assistant, still extremely nervous "It seemed you had something serious to discuss with me a few moments ago?"
Husband, drops to one knee. “Will you marry me?”
His assistant grabs his hands and pulls him up to stand. She kisses him long and slow and thrusts her hips against his. He finally kisses her neck. It was much softer than he imagined.
Assistant “Of Course. All I want is to be is your Wife.”
Husband "I really need one."
Assistant "I know my love. I know."
They stood face to face, standing in his office window, overlooking her demolished BMW, still in its reserved parking spot, and they kissed slowly, softly and deliberately, for a very long time.
