We find ourselves at Timmy’s parents’ house, in the den, behind closed French doors.
Timmy asked for a private audience with his father as he had some important things to get off of his chest.
They are sitting across from each other.
Timmy: “Dad, This has been eating at me for many years.
I had so much potential, and at 30 it is sad that I had to come to this realization so late and on my own.
You never pushed and nurtured me in any academic direction.
It was always sports, sports, sports in every season.
I could have been an astronaut or could have cured cancer.
Why didn’t you and mom ever give my abilities a second thought?
It seems like you thought your only parenting job was to give me 12 years of Roman Catholic education! You never mentioned college!"
Dad: “Yes, that was what I thought my parenting job was.
I was completely successful.
You’re very welcome.
Do you think I knew there was more to do and purposefully and selfishly did not do those things?"
Timmy: “Uh, no, but...”
Dad: "Do you know I love you and have selflessly worked to give you a good life?"
Timmy: “Uh, yes, but...”
Dad: "You know I gave up every hobby I loved to make sure you went to Catholic school and played on all those traveling sports teams?
Do you know I constantly gave you 100% of my best fathering effort?"
Timmy: “Uh, yes, but...”
Dad: "And I would do that all again because you are my son and I love you more than life.
You know I never neglected you?, right?”
Timmy: “Uh, yes.” There was no but this time.
Dad: “Ok, so you know I could not have given you more as your father.
So, I get it.
You think you deserved a better father who did different things. You are disappointed in the father God gave you.
Why do you think you deserve more than the 100% I was capable of giving you?”
Timmy stared at the rug in silence.
Dad: “No father would love or could love you in deeds and actions more than I did.
Do you know how much pain you are causing me right now saying my 100% selfless fathering since you were born is disappointing?
You are being judgmental and unappreciative.
Maybe you’re blaming me for the disappointments you feel about yourself as a man.
You can’t be disappointed in me as your father.
You acting this way shows me I have failed as a father.
So, I will answer your question, which basically asked why didn't I do things for you I never thought of, why did I neglect you and why didn’t I push and nurture you in certain directions, with a question for you.
Someday you're going to have your own children.
Like me, you're going to think you're doing everything right and loving them and nurturing them as best as you can. You will give them 100% as I continue to give you.
Hopefully in even better ways than I did.
Someday you will be sitting where I sit with your children in front of you critiquing your parenting, judging you as neglectful, and expressing their deep disappointment in you.
They will basically, as you are, be telling their father he has failed them.
So, tell me what your answer will be to your children in the same situation, and that is the answer I will give you now."
Timmy burst out crying and left his father’s den in shame as he realized what he had just done.
Timmy’s dad chased him, turned him around and hugged him tight.
Timmy: “Dad I am so sorry.”
Dad: “I love you son. I know I did my very best for you so I feel no guilt. Concentrate on appreciating all the love I showered on you.
Not many children get a father like you have.
When we make up indexes of acceptable and expected behaviors for those in our lives, like you have done with me, they will always fail us as no one can be all the things we would like them to be.
You are seeing our relationship selfishly.
Try to see it through and from me and what I was capable of doing as your father.
Then you will be overwhelmed with joy and never disappointed.
Remember this conversation as you will be the disappointing father someday."
